The meaning of death.

I used to write a lot. Self-indulgent emotional turmoil. But it was me.

I used to be creative-ER. I used to have the free time to sit and contemplate the ills of society. The nuances of my brain. The nature of the universe. I used to draw, color, design. I used to be full of life, of creativity.

I have since lost the ability to even play my guitar without sore fingers. My callouses have faded along with the thoughtful, creative Becky. Because I just don't have the time for the things that used to make me ME.

I guess that means I have changed. Grown up. Become an adult.

Free time is limited and I use mine more for socializing with a dwindling pool of friends. Spending time with family and working on my career.

Career. Corporate life sucking necessity.

My creativity stagnates out of necessity too. Time is limited. It is also relative. But these days time relatively seems to pass a lot faster than it did when I was 5.

And certain things come to the surface of life as being more important than others. Family. Friends. Boys. Sex. Money. Health.

Time is defeated by all of these items.

Christmas is nice because it reminds you that you were once young and full of life. Potential. No worries. Easy. Life was good. If you were lucky.

Tradition. People don't like change. And the older you get the less you want of it. And the more you crave the old days. The days where you had less to worry about and you only remember the good times).

Five years from now I will look back on this day and think how much I miss being 25 and full of life. Today I look back five years and think how much I miss being 20 and full of life. Naive as hell. But damn I had flawless skin and an enormous amount of potential.

Is there an equal amount of pain in the world as there is pleasure? There is a lot of disease, suffering, corruption, war, poverty. Is there an equal amount of love, joy, celebration, tenderness, and caring.

Or is it human nature to ignore the suffering of others and take what you can get? Religion teaches you to look past your differences. But it also teaches you to bomb buildings. It's as much a dichotomy as the rest of the universe. Light dark. Ying yang. on off. Proton electron. Good evil.

Is there no such thing as good and evil. Is it as relative as time?

We are doomed to repeat our mistakes until we learn from them.

Will there be consciousness outside of this body? Will there be life after decomposition? Atman Nirvana Heaven Hell 6 feet under ... so many different answers to one simple question.

And you never know until you experience. Much like most things in life.

My 23 year old self is dead. But I exist after death. My five year old self is long dead. I exist. Who am I in relation to those people? Am I just someone who remembers them? Who has limited brain space that recalls certain moments of their lives from the internal perspective. Will there be someone like that after my body is gone from this earth?

What is a soul. Where is it located and how much does it weigh?

Are human beings just the biological cells of one bigger organism called Earth? In that case are we a bad virus that she cannot seem to kick and will inevitably lead to her downfall? Is Earth just a biological cell of a solar system, galaxies the universe.

Is a universe an individual among many other distinct universes... trying to relate to these other universes which are so different yet so similar in nature.

Do the laws of physics change from universe to universe. Do the laws of society change from culture to culture.

Are we really that different from the men we kill at war. We all value the same things family, love, happiness. And yet its acceptable to kill. To torture. To hate.

If football rivalries can cause riots... we haven't really come that far as a species. Simple games bring out our worst qualities of hatred and competition.

Competition is the nature of BEING. Evolution. Survival of the fittest. Competition for resources.

I really don't think human beings are any more enlightened than our neanderthal ancestors. We may have hit the industrial age. The technology age. The information age. We maybe be more knowledgeable about our world... but I don't think we know as much as we think we know. And I think we take for granted most of that which is considered common knowledge.

Technology drives us further apart as it brings us closer together. It is making the world a place of black and white with little grey. Politics screams republican or democrat. Religion tells us good or evil. Facebook tells us Like or block. We have become a people who share knowledge in as succinct a manner as possible. 140 characters or less. Which leaves little room for exposition. For thought. For GREY areas.

I think the universe is grey and we humans are more in the dark than we have ever been.

What is the meaning of life. no one seems to know much. And as we learn more we are only given more questions as to the nature of the universe.

Maybe the meaning of life is different to different people. Maybe it really is 42. Maybe there is no meaning and its a cosmic joke to think that we will search and search until our deaths upon which we stop existing.

Maybe its better to stop thinking and just accept the world as it is laid out and assumed to be. The society we live in. Let others dictate our worldview. Its easier. It leaves room for free time. I could play more guitar and learn to paint. But I wouldn't leave this world satisfied. I'm not sure I ever will. But I will keep on searching for answers. Because my meaning of life is about asking the questions and trying to understand.

Sandwiches and Dirty Laundry

Why are there no songs about just feeling pretty okay and content? Prozac takes all the art out of life. Sometimes it's worth it to be a nervous wreck just to feel the depth of emotion that inspires one to create. All I create these days are sandwiches and piles of laundry.

Although something can be said for both of those things. One might argue that there is art/beauty in the disorder of dirty laundry piles and messy rooms. Or that creating a great sandwich is a real art. Not sure what they would say about creating a mediocre PBJ.

Balance is the key to real happiness. Neuroses are the key to real art. Or it is at least one of them (Please note: I'm not attempting to inspire an elitist esoteric debate about how real art is defined.)

Art is emotion. Emotional roller coasters are distressing, but there is something beautiful in being at the peak of both happiness and depression. To ride the middle is like riding the boring train ride that circles the amusement park and comes right back to where you started.

I just want to draw a picture or write an incredible wordsmithing masterpiece that portrays exactly how I feel. But these days I only feel stable, rational, content, and unemotional. And there is no art in that.

Such Great Heights

Everything looks perfect from far away...

"People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous."

My life has been one widespread epidemic of anxiety culminating in my inability to function as an adult human being. Fear is my only constant in life.

They tell you to immerse yourself in the triggers of your anxiety. To "feel the fear and do it anyway" and then you will eventually get over it.

I confront my fears every day and it doesn't get much easier. I must be doing something wrong.

My mother loves the show The Dog Whisperer. Cesar Milan works his magic by training dogs to eradicate self-destructive behaviors. Today he was training a German Shepard to no longer be afraid of people. He used a collar that vibrated during doggy attacks of panic and it eventually corrected the undesirable mental state.

Maybe what I need is a vibration collar. Or maybe just a Neurotic Young Lady Whisperer.

~o~o~o~o~

Introversion does not fit into American society.

I've all but convinced myself that I would be happier isolated in a remote location with zero human interaction. Or at least as happy as I am with.

I'm not sure whether it is not true.

~o~o~o~o~

Fear is the path to the dark side. Sounds like I would be a terrible jedi.