An account manager told me today that he has gotten the impression from people that I am outgoing and personable. I guess I have successfully fooled everyone.
I used to write a lot. I wanted to be an author. A journalist. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to create. I had a lot of ideas. A lot of thoughts. Constant internal dialogue. I used to write my darkest thoughts in the unsecured pages of a leather bound notebook which I kept upon a shelf in my bedroom. I'd leave those thoughts there and rarely, if ever, revisit them. If I read them now, would I remark on how far I've come in my personal growth or cringe knowing that in my thoughts today, the subjects might have been replaced but the themes remain the same. Darkness, loneliness, anxiety, depression, intense fear ...of basically everything.
I am not the first person to experience these emotions. I won't be the last. But when you are submersed in the throes of anguish and fear, a perpetual litany of your worst imaginings constantly barraging your waking minutes, it becomes hard to recognize the crazy. The irrational becomes rational and you begin to believe the demons whispering in your ear that you are worthless and unworthy of good things.
The truth is. I have things to offer. I have wit, intellect, talent and ambition. And the only thing that has ever held me back in life is not my lack of aptitude or opportunity but the darkness. The fear of failure. Rejection. Humiliation.
I gave up on people a long time ago. Too much effort. Time and energy. Too much sacrifice to spend on something that oftentimes can be disappointing. Drawing a picture is rarely disappointing. Playing my guitar – also not disappointing. Being on average unheard or at worst negatively judged by another human being – definitely not high on my list of enticing options when choosing where to spend my limited amount of me time.
Fake it til you make it. I'm faking it. Hard. Today, I found out I have an interview at a big corporate client for some enterprise social media position. It could be a colossal failure. It could be a thundering success. But I will not know until I try. Do or do not.
I'm learning to embrace change and frame things positively. Because the opposite only leads to suffering. And I want no more of that nonsense. The life of a pessimist.
I just got an invite to my 10 year high school reunion. There is a tiny voice inside me that doesn't speak as loud as it did ten years ago, but that in periods of darkness finds a megaphone. Anxiety followed me everywhere and I never even knew his name until much later in life. A shadow looming. A force of discomfort that I wasn't able to truly comprehend when I was an awkward chubby teenager forced to assimilate into a culture and group of people with whom I was scantly familiar.
For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me in my teenage years. Why was everyone else so able to hold conversations about celebrities, manicures, abercrombie and making out. Why were people so able to speak up in front of a classroom full of people. So able to share ideas with their peers and teachers. Able to get part time jobs. Volunteer. Date. Be happy.
Why was the only thing in which I felt equipped to participate was to go home, eat ice cream and watch Star Gate with my equally socially-avoidant father?
Two reasons: 1) because Star Gate is awesome. And 2)because I was a neurotic anxious individual and I had been since birth … and maybe the past tense shouldn't quite apply just yet. But it applies less and less each day.
As time goes on I am reminded how intellectually capable I am. How adaptable I am. How successful I can be. I was voted most likely to succeed in high school but I never actually believed I would. Arguably I have succeeded and will continue to do so – depending on how one defines success.
Sometimes I want to cover my head with a blanket and forget that the world outside exists. Sometimes I want to cry alone in a corner and pretend that I'm not too old to be doing so. Sometimes I need to shut myself off for a day in order to feel like I can turn myself on again and be happy. And sometimes I think that's okay.
I want to be stronger. And I can be. The beautiful thing about human beings is that we are capable of some amazing things. 'A mind can be a great servant but a terrible master.' Don't let your negative thoughts control you. Don't let misery consume you.
There is always room for growth. Personal. Professional. Emotional. Its okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. But its not okay to drown in your misery perpetually or let your fears prevent you from seizing the opportunities laid out before you.
Success is attainable.
I can. I will. I am.
The major holidays!
12 years ago
