Misled I bled till the poison was gone

As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than any oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don't
(Repeat to end)

And you can have this heart to break.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Illogical

I am adamantly convinced that dating, relationships, and all elements of romantic love are the most illogical concepts in existence. Human beings were invented to be crazy emotional basket cases. And that is fact.

When you hear the phrase one is "crazy about" another, usually we take that to mean he or she really really likes the other. But I feel like in most cases its literally more of an accurate description than not. Crazy.

We are all crazy illogical and irrational beings. To become dependent on another individual's presence for one's own emotional well-being seems like the worst idea possible. And yet we keep doing it. Again and again.

I liken it to heroine. The ups and downs of drug use equate metaphorically with matters of the heart. Euphoria followed by devastation and every degree of happy and sad therein. Like a roller coaster of emotions, to use a common cliche.

Would you say then that emotions are the opposite of logic?

And what are the implications of that from the standpoint of someone trying to shoot up the emotional love heroine while riding the roller coaster of doubts and fears?

Should she attempt to separate her emotions out and completely ignore every impulse she may have. Just coasting along down the steady stable path of logical thought processes.

We cannot prevent our emotions from manifesting. We can only control our actions.

The thing about roller coasters--emotional and otherwise-- Its usually not long before its time to get off and go wait in line for the next ride.

I'd certainly like something more than a top thrill dragster...intensely exciting but disappointingly short-lived.

Does marriage then equate to the circuitous train around the amusement park that never stops? Have I taken the metaphor too far...

Being couple-less on new years might just be the worst holiday to be a single. Even valentines day you can pretend to be hateful to red and pink and chocolate. Who likes flowers anyway? They just end up dead--like your terrible relationship.

Its really quite annoying when everyone you know is not single and you just want to have some fun on new years. Boo. Hiss.

I rather enjoy being single. And I don't understand why everyone else feels the need to couple off. Ew. Stop it, folks.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I can honestly say that the high from a good yoga session may in fact be the best feeling in the world. I've never tried heroine, so I'm not exactly sure. But I'm sure its up there with all the illicit drugs.

My arms feel like rubber. And that is why we should not take breaks from physical activity.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Winter is too cold. Summer too hot. What is a girl to do, but move far far away to a more temperate to mildly tropical climate. Or just pollute the world a bit more and catalyze that global warming crisis that is rumored to be going on. That might turn up the heat in the winter...as for summer, I guess I could invent the never melting ice jacket...or just stay unemployed so i can lay in the pool all day every day.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I started watching Glee. And it reminds me of everyone I knew in high school. Only they can sing better on the show.

Its awfully wonderful having internet access on your own computer again. I foresee a lot of great time-wasting activities will ensue. Such as what currently transpires.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I need to go buy tights....never thought that after I was 8 years old I would ever have to wear tights again...

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Here is a picture to remind us of summer:

Jump, maverick, jump maverick jump...

Donna says relax.

The following is an excerpt from an ebay exchange:

Hi there. Thanks for you kind reply. I will send her back by US parcel
post tomorrow and it should take a week or so because of the holidays.
Trust your Thanksgiving will be a wonderful occasion as we remember and
thank the Lord for His bountiful blessings. Sounds like you are working
too hard. Take care of yourself and take time to smell the roses. God
bless you. Thanks again. Donna

Restoring my faith in the ebay community after a shitty day of customer service and broken camera. Why are the god-loving people always the nicest ones?

Football, Faith, Facebook. Fear, Follies and Freaking Out.

I dont know if you had heard, but me and football had a falling out. I have devoted myself to a much nobler cause: shoe shopping. Now thats something that deserves my most reverent respect.

To me, Ohio State football is like being jewish on christmas. Being inundated with spirited festivites, and I just do not believe in the fundamental tenets.

If I don't believe in football, why should I have to walk down the street being heckled with an O-H, be forced to take a detour getting back to my home on campus, and be a party to the grocery store cheers as tedd whatshisname throws a touchdown. I mean, I don't shove a menorah up your ass and make you say mazel tov. ....I'm also not jewish so i dont know if that metaphor works...or perhaps is borderline antisemitic...

So in conclusion....if I don't believe in santa, I'm not a small child, if I don't believe in god I'm simply a minority , and if I live in columbus and don't believe in ohio state football, I'm completely mental.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am convinced that social media becky is a much better version than the real thing. This is why parents should not allow their children to get a facebook account until they are 30. They turn out socially retarded and incapable of face to face interaction. ...I need a drink.

With the advent of the tv there were concerns that it would turn ones brain to mush. Now that people use facebook more than they talk face to face....do you think there will come a day when ALL communication is via text messaging? We live in an age of terse and impersonal amusing one liners that present only our best sides. .....at least, thats what oprah says.

One day we will be like the people on WallE who just talked solely through their technology. And as an awkward spastic socially anxious person, I don't know if I am totally opposed to that.

Back in the days when women were subservient to men, there were rules of courtship to which one was to strictly adhere. Pick up, buy things, kiss good night, get to know, wed, babies, old age, death. It was simple.

The rules of engagement have changed.

Are we equals now? Does 'come over and hang out' really mean, lets go hump like bunnies? Do people get to know eachother anymore? Should he still buy you things? Should you treat him to some adult beverages? Because he buys you things do you owe him a lap dance?

I watched the worst movie I have ever sat through ever in my entire life last night. It was called south pacific and because it was a musical I thought it would be tolerable to quite agreeable. But it was atrocious. Because he was french and old she liked him, because she was not polynesian he liked her. He killed a man, she was okay with it. He had had a 'colored' wife who mothered his two children, she ran away. Moral of the story: its okay to kill people if he was being 'a bully' andyou have a dreadful french accent, but if you marry someone who doesn't have skinny white legs and curly blonde hair, then we have a problem.

Prejudice is something that is taught. Fear is something that is ubiquitous. Do you think we will have gender roles in 100 years? 200? All this talk about equality and we have come a long way. But women still want to be taken care of, and white men still have the power.

Even in occupation, humans are not reagarded as equals. Doctors are regarded in high esteem, photographers or worse house keeping are regarded as the dregs of society. Respect is something that should be bestowed on all human life until they prove that they do not deserve it because they are hateful and petty....or maybe it is all human life. period.

I dont know the answers. I just see the problems.

~~~~~~

Remember in third grade when it was exciting because this was the first year you would be assigned homework! And then you get to school and the first day they give you nothing. And that whole week you wait because you are so excited to be growing up and getting things like real assignments. And what's all they give you that first week: cover your books. And you feel gipped. Because covering ones books teaches you nothing.

But really. Thats the most practical lesson you got all year. No one uses long division, they just grab a calculator. If you wanted to know the specific date the vikings landed in north america, you would just google it. When you reach adulthood, no one dots their i's and crosses their t's with the proper cursive/script techniques, you are just lucky if its legible.

But covering your books: that teaches responsibility.

We all forget the knowledge we obtained in our youth. And so do we forget the lessons in joy. Snow days: taking time off to appreciate mother nature. Friendships: I make time for you because I want to, not because i feel obligated, or worse because I need a favor. Politics: what are those? Love: I love my mommy, daddy, my siblings, and my golden retreiver and that is all i need.

Life is so complex and we ought to simplify.

Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify, simplify! ... Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose.

One must decide what is necessary to freak out about: usually it is nothing. Choices. Responsibilties. Whats important? Its not feeling this uptight and crazy over a stupid job.

~~~~~~~~~

Dating is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to want to see him. Spend time, get to know, etc. To me, its nervewracking and painful. To me its akin to climbing to the top of the highest building and being told to balance on a railing several thousand stories in the air. And you have to fight to hold your balance. He asks you out, you waver. He takes you to dinner, you stumble. At the end of the night he makes his move, hang on tight its a long way down. And then every word you speak or every decision you make is like a step and scoot on that railing you take to regain your balance. But not all words are coherent and not all decisions prudent. And so sometimes you stumble a little, or worse fall completely off. And then you die.

~~~~~~

Really, thats pretty much how I feel in most social interactions. I guess thats what I get for being born human. Flawed and freaking crazy.

My dog doesn't worry about saying the wrong thing at a party: he can't speak. My fish doesn't care if his scales dont match his eyes, hes alone in a bowl with only me to judge. My dead cat used to freak out a lot...but it was only when I came within arms length of her.

Animals fear when it is appropriate.

Humans have developed inappropriate fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of people of different race, background or culture. Fear of large spaces. Tight spaces. Spiders. Fear of social interaction.

There is chemical fear and there is logical fear. And my logical fear is that someone will pull a gun on me and I will feel no fear at all because my fear neurons are broken or maxed out from fearing stupid things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder what they call the fear of people who fear spiders? Arachnaphobiaphobia?

They Shoot Becky's, Don't They?

Dear Diary,

Today I felt the true wrath of Satan as I waited for admittance into the seventh layer of hell. All around me the people were clammy with sweat, as they stood for hours on the hard concrete in a tortuous winding queue. Bones creaked as the people inched their way forward at a rate no faster than a physically handicapped snail crawling backwards on a conveyor belt. Demon spawn everywhere were up to no good. Screaming, running, terrorizing. Everywhere the midget hellions spread their bedlam and confusion among the masses as we stood there waiting like cattle on their way to the slaughter. High decibel voices pierced the air as parents attempted to buy off their progeny with storybooks, French fries, and threats to make him wear his puke-stained shirt for the duration of the evening should his woeful tantrum stimulate his gagging reflect. Moms chasing teetering infants through the snaking orange pylons and yellow crime scene tape, I admittedly watched several fall flat on their faces with no regard for their well-being. Kids are resilient, evil fiends are immortal. Attempting a bit of light reading amidst the din of hellfire, the hours ticked by and I inevitably came to the conclusion that the most boring book in the world could get no drearier.

It got drearier. My ipod died. The satellite child spinning around his father bumped into me for the 42nd time. I persevered. I inched forward some more. I reached the curtain. The triage area. The nurse. She shot me. Inoculation administered. Freedom at last.

And then I sprinted into oncoming traffic crossing the street and nearly collided with a semi on the on-ramp. Perhaps I was being careless, perhaps I was just tempted to see if hell really is as bad as were the preceding three hours.

Time will tell.