"People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous."

An account manager told me today that he has gotten the impression from people that I am outgoing and personable. I guess I have successfully fooled everyone.

I used to write a lot. I wanted to be an author. A journalist. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to create. I had a lot of ideas. A lot of thoughts. Constant internal dialogue. I used to write my darkest thoughts in the unsecured pages of a leather bound notebook which I kept upon a shelf in my bedroom. I'd leave those thoughts there and rarely, if ever, revisit them. If I read them now, would I remark on how far I've come in my personal growth or cringe knowing that in my thoughts today, the subjects might have been replaced but the themes remain the same. Darkness, loneliness, anxiety, depression, intense fear ...of basically everything.

I am not the first person to experience these emotions. I won't be the last. But when you are submersed in the throes of anguish and fear, a perpetual litany of your worst imaginings constantly barraging your waking minutes, it becomes hard to recognize the crazy. The irrational becomes rational and you begin to believe the demons whispering in your ear that you are worthless and unworthy of good things.

The truth is. I have things to offer. I have wit, intellect, talent and ambition. And the only thing that has ever held me back in life is not my lack of aptitude or opportunity but the darkness. The fear of failure. Rejection. Humiliation.

I gave up on people a long time ago. Too much effort. Time and energy. Too much sacrifice to spend on something that oftentimes can be disappointing. Drawing a picture is rarely disappointing. Playing my guitar – also not disappointing. Being on average unheard or at worst negatively judged by another human being – definitely not high on my list of enticing options when choosing where to spend my limited amount of me time.
Fake it til you make it. I'm faking it. Hard. Today, I found out I have an interview at a big corporate client for some enterprise social media position. It could be a colossal failure. It could be a thundering success. But I will not know until I try. Do or do not.

I'm learning to embrace change and frame things positively. Because the opposite only leads to suffering. And I want no more of that nonsense. The life of a pessimist.

I just got an invite to my 10 year high school reunion. There is a tiny voice inside me that doesn't speak as loud as it did ten years ago, but that in periods of darkness finds a megaphone. Anxiety followed me everywhere and I never even knew his name until much later in life. A shadow looming. A force of discomfort that I wasn't able to truly comprehend when I was an awkward chubby teenager forced to assimilate into a culture and group of people with whom I was scantly familiar.

For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me in my teenage years. Why was everyone else so able to hold conversations about celebrities, manicures, abercrombie and making out. Why were people so able to speak up in front of a classroom full of people. So able to share ideas with their peers and teachers. Able to get part time jobs. Volunteer. Date. Be happy.

Why was the only thing in which I felt equipped to participate was to go home, eat ice cream and watch Star Gate with my equally socially-avoidant father?

Two reasons: 1) because Star Gate is awesome. And 2)because I was a neurotic anxious individual and I had been since birth … and maybe the past tense shouldn't quite apply just yet. But it applies less and less each day.

As time goes on I am reminded how intellectually capable I am. How adaptable I am. How successful I can be. I was voted most likely to succeed in high school but I never actually believed I would. Arguably I have succeeded and will continue to do so – depending on how one defines success.

Sometimes I want to cover my head with a blanket and forget that the world outside exists. Sometimes I want to cry alone in a corner and pretend that I'm not too old to be doing so. Sometimes I need to shut myself off for a day in order to feel like I can turn myself on again and be happy. And sometimes I think that's okay.
I want to be stronger. And I can be. The beautiful thing about human beings is that we are capable of some amazing things. 'A mind can be a great servant but a terrible master.' Don't let your negative thoughts control you. Don't let misery consume you.

There is always room for growth. Personal. Professional. Emotional. Its okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. But its not okay to drown in your misery perpetually or let your fears prevent you from seizing the opportunities laid out before you.

Success is attainable.

I can. I will. I am.

The meaning of death.

I used to write a lot. Self-indulgent emotional turmoil. But it was me.

I used to be creative-ER. I used to have the free time to sit and contemplate the ills of society. The nuances of my brain. The nature of the universe. I used to draw, color, design. I used to be full of life, of creativity.

I have since lost the ability to even play my guitar without sore fingers. My callouses have faded along with the thoughtful, creative Becky. Because I just don't have the time for the things that used to make me ME.

I guess that means I have changed. Grown up. Become an adult.

Free time is limited and I use mine more for socializing with a dwindling pool of friends. Spending time with family and working on my career.

Career. Corporate life sucking necessity.

My creativity stagnates out of necessity too. Time is limited. It is also relative. But these days time relatively seems to pass a lot faster than it did when I was 5.

And certain things come to the surface of life as being more important than others. Family. Friends. Boys. Sex. Money. Health.

Time is defeated by all of these items.

Christmas is nice because it reminds you that you were once young and full of life. Potential. No worries. Easy. Life was good. If you were lucky.

Tradition. People don't like change. And the older you get the less you want of it. And the more you crave the old days. The days where you had less to worry about and you only remember the good times).

Five years from now I will look back on this day and think how much I miss being 25 and full of life. Today I look back five years and think how much I miss being 20 and full of life. Naive as hell. But damn I had flawless skin and an enormous amount of potential.

Is there an equal amount of pain in the world as there is pleasure? There is a lot of disease, suffering, corruption, war, poverty. Is there an equal amount of love, joy, celebration, tenderness, and caring.

Or is it human nature to ignore the suffering of others and take what you can get? Religion teaches you to look past your differences. But it also teaches you to bomb buildings. It's as much a dichotomy as the rest of the universe. Light dark. Ying yang. on off. Proton electron. Good evil.

Is there no such thing as good and evil. Is it as relative as time?

We are doomed to repeat our mistakes until we learn from them.

Will there be consciousness outside of this body? Will there be life after decomposition? Atman Nirvana Heaven Hell 6 feet under ... so many different answers to one simple question.

And you never know until you experience. Much like most things in life.

My 23 year old self is dead. But I exist after death. My five year old self is long dead. I exist. Who am I in relation to those people? Am I just someone who remembers them? Who has limited brain space that recalls certain moments of their lives from the internal perspective. Will there be someone like that after my body is gone from this earth?

What is a soul. Where is it located and how much does it weigh?

Are human beings just the biological cells of one bigger organism called Earth? In that case are we a bad virus that she cannot seem to kick and will inevitably lead to her downfall? Is Earth just a biological cell of a solar system, galaxies the universe.

Is a universe an individual among many other distinct universes... trying to relate to these other universes which are so different yet so similar in nature.

Do the laws of physics change from universe to universe. Do the laws of society change from culture to culture.

Are we really that different from the men we kill at war. We all value the same things family, love, happiness. And yet its acceptable to kill. To torture. To hate.

If football rivalries can cause riots... we haven't really come that far as a species. Simple games bring out our worst qualities of hatred and competition.

Competition is the nature of BEING. Evolution. Survival of the fittest. Competition for resources.

I really don't think human beings are any more enlightened than our neanderthal ancestors. We may have hit the industrial age. The technology age. The information age. We maybe be more knowledgeable about our world... but I don't think we know as much as we think we know. And I think we take for granted most of that which is considered common knowledge.

Technology drives us further apart as it brings us closer together. It is making the world a place of black and white with little grey. Politics screams republican or democrat. Religion tells us good or evil. Facebook tells us Like or block. We have become a people who share knowledge in as succinct a manner as possible. 140 characters or less. Which leaves little room for exposition. For thought. For GREY areas.

I think the universe is grey and we humans are more in the dark than we have ever been.

What is the meaning of life. no one seems to know much. And as we learn more we are only given more questions as to the nature of the universe.

Maybe the meaning of life is different to different people. Maybe it really is 42. Maybe there is no meaning and its a cosmic joke to think that we will search and search until our deaths upon which we stop existing.

Maybe its better to stop thinking and just accept the world as it is laid out and assumed to be. The society we live in. Let others dictate our worldview. Its easier. It leaves room for free time. I could play more guitar and learn to paint. But I wouldn't leave this world satisfied. I'm not sure I ever will. But I will keep on searching for answers. Because my meaning of life is about asking the questions and trying to understand.

Sandwiches and Dirty Laundry

Why are there no songs about just feeling pretty okay and content? Prozac takes all the art out of life. Sometimes it's worth it to be a nervous wreck just to feel the depth of emotion that inspires one to create. All I create these days are sandwiches and piles of laundry.

Although something can be said for both of those things. One might argue that there is art/beauty in the disorder of dirty laundry piles and messy rooms. Or that creating a great sandwich is a real art. Not sure what they would say about creating a mediocre PBJ.

Balance is the key to real happiness. Neuroses are the key to real art. Or it is at least one of them (Please note: I'm not attempting to inspire an elitist esoteric debate about how real art is defined.)

Art is emotion. Emotional roller coasters are distressing, but there is something beautiful in being at the peak of both happiness and depression. To ride the middle is like riding the boring train ride that circles the amusement park and comes right back to where you started.

I just want to draw a picture or write an incredible wordsmithing masterpiece that portrays exactly how I feel. But these days I only feel stable, rational, content, and unemotional. And there is no art in that.

Such Great Heights

Everything looks perfect from far away...

"People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous."

My life has been one widespread epidemic of anxiety culminating in my inability to function as an adult human being. Fear is my only constant in life.

They tell you to immerse yourself in the triggers of your anxiety. To "feel the fear and do it anyway" and then you will eventually get over it.

I confront my fears every day and it doesn't get much easier. I must be doing something wrong.

My mother loves the show The Dog Whisperer. Cesar Milan works his magic by training dogs to eradicate self-destructive behaviors. Today he was training a German Shepard to no longer be afraid of people. He used a collar that vibrated during doggy attacks of panic and it eventually corrected the undesirable mental state.

Maybe what I need is a vibration collar. Or maybe just a Neurotic Young Lady Whisperer.

~o~o~o~o~

Introversion does not fit into American society.

I've all but convinced myself that I would be happier isolated in a remote location with zero human interaction. Or at least as happy as I am with.

I'm not sure whether it is not true.

~o~o~o~o~

Fear is the path to the dark side. Sounds like I would be a terrible jedi.

Brain games

Brain games

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The only thing that there's just too little of.

The possession of above-average intelligence is an arguably isolating condition.

If I were to ever procreate, I would want to pick an intelligent sperm. But then I would worry that my progeny would be doomed to a lifetime of awkwardness as smart people are generally the most neurotic.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Weakness: bad joints. Weakness: people phobia. Weakness: self-deprecation. Weakness: hypochondriasis. Weakness: chocoloate. Weakness: cynicism.

Or would cynicism be a strength?

I guess it depends on who you ask.

Definitions is where we the people get in trouble.

Our society is set up such that there is good and evil and nothing else. Guilty or not guilty. There is no such thing as 25% guilty. At least not in our justice system. There is no gray in the world. It is all labels. Society=labels.

You are male or female and thus have the corresponding gender role characteristics involved therein. You are Christian or not. Buddhist or not. Atheist or not. You like kids, or you don't. You support health care bills or you don't. You are hippie. You are gangster. You are indie scene.

And we are all pretentious.

And so sure of ourselves. Because in everyone's mind, they are in the right. Their opinions are the correct opinions, otherwise they would not subscribe to them. There is so rarely room for any other opinion but their own. Humans do not tolerate moral conflict well.

Wrapped up in our unique identities. And we are all correct. And we cannot respect any other opinion but our own.

~~~


Why do we get so bent out of shape when someone disrespects us, and then we turn around and do a similar thing out of the same fear and indecision that was experienced by the original wrongdoer.

Is it american society that makes us dishonest to the point where we NEED to spare another person's feelings? Or is that a universal human condition?

~~~~

All persons view the world differently. Unless they don't. Maybe the normal people view it normally. And the reason I have not found anyone with my worldview is because I am the sole seer of worlds. Ours is the only reality of consequence. What makes me believe that thoughts arise in other people's brains? How do I know these people exist...the only thing I know for certain is that I am in existence.

Can we delude ourselves into believing we are crazy.

What if there were more crazy people in this world than sane. And how would you know that there isn't?

~~~~

Why is Fuck a bad word? Because mommy and daddy told me it was the first time I used it at them? What makes it so bad? is it not just four letters strung together. it creates meaning. But meaning is used differently among different individuals.

Why is frak any better or worse?

If you call a gay man a bundle of sticks, would he get offended? What if the sentiment behind was dripping with hatred?

~~

How do you navigate a world with so many diverse peoples. So many variables. What ifs. Hows comes. Where for. In what respect.

Respect.

What the world needs now is respect. Sweet respect.

Just because there is love does mean not respect is.

The more love we have, the more attachment and thus inevitable suffering. Love leads to eventual heartbreak. Respect leads to a general well-being amongst the human race.

The song got it wrong. Respect-- its the only thing that there's just too little of.

buying lots of accessories doesnt really fill up the emptiness.
balancing between light and dark
choices
to fall into the abyss
to stay strong
to wait
to fear.
fear is not a choice it is a default.

Far, far there was this little girl..

I like the boy on idol who never smiles.

I finally got around to reading(starting) Brave New World. And I totally relate to the dude who was not socially conditioned to think like the rest of his kind. The one who thinks too much about the ills of society and is therefore unhappy-- unlike the rest of the oblivious world. He doesn't take the happy pills so he is all the worse for it.

I've not finished the story yet, so we'll see how he fares. I can only hope for the best. Though he probably is killed off by the crazy ignorant blissful sexaholics. Tragic.

Still seeking a job, if you have one tell me. I draw the line at sex worker. But I'm open to most anything else.

:)




Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside

Where is my grown up Fun Day?

Every spring in grade school there was one day of the year that was looked forward to beyond all others. They called it Fun Day and it was a glorious time for 5-11 year olds. A day in which each classroom would create a special game and children would wander the hallways freely to line up and participate in these fun activities. At the end of each game a child would receive a prize and they would stick it into a bag full of goodies to take home and enjoy until next spring when the next Fun Day rolled around.

One year I attempted to collect at least five total witch fingers to amount to a whole hand. I ended up with a cheap yo-yo, a cheap kaleidoscope, a very effective chinese finger trap, and a cheap slap bracelet. All of the items were cheap, but we were kids and we did not care.

The point was, it was an entire day where we could dispense with all rules and regulations, abandon our quest for knowledge, and just enjoy a fun day.

My question is this: where is the fun day for adults? Every day we wipe the gunk out of our eyes and begin the unethusiastic commute to our job career occupation. We do our work, we go home. We don't get paid to have fun, we get paid to be productive. When we aren't working, we are out and about running errands, keeping up with social contacts, working out, reading, following the same routine day after day.

What would happen if we just decided to abandon all the rules and productivity, the daily routine and just wander the hallways playing fun games and getting cheap fun prizes. Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace?

Just something to chew on.

Everyone salivates.

chocolate covered human hearts sprinkled with sugar oozing saccharine blood and dangling vessels... with a cherry on top....have a good V.D.

people who are smarter than me intimidate me

Ive been reading the things i wrote back in the day...years ago. This is one of my favorite memories:

"...I remember being a kid and learning about the human digestive system in the third grade. They talked about the salivary glands and how the food starts in the mouth and the saliva is the first part of the digestive process. Up until that point I had wondered what that wet stuff was that was in my mouth all the time. I always had wondered if it was normal to have so much moisture eeking out from under my tongue and I wondered if other people had the same curious oddity that was a leaking mouth. But I was always too embarassed to ask about it. And it wasn't until the third grade that I learned the candid truth. Everyone salivates, Becky. It serves a purpose, you're not abnormal, you're not having a health crisis. It's OKAY! And I was relieved. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.


And that is a true story."

And I forgot how funny this joke was to me:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer
he asks the bar tender, "How much do I owe ya?"
Bar tender answers, "For you, NO CHARGE!"

I wrote this a year ago...

Sepia-toned sunglasses.

Misty drizzle.

Heavy inhalations, sultry humid air.

How much of what we are is what we will be.

How much of who we were is who we are now.

How hard it is to become who you want to be.

Predominantly poised, secretly psychotic.

Is every reality a dream. Is every dream a reality?

Preconceived mold. Inevitably type-cast. The many roles of one.

Weak.

So irrit-tat-ting.

This individual always sucked into pigeon holes.

Gravitating like gaping singularities. Past the event horizon.

Can you build me a spaceship flying faster than light.

How much is that becky in the window?

Broken up sidewalks. Birds in flight. Rumble of the street car.

Where do we go, nobody knows.

A community of two is better?

How about a love story of one...

Something good.

Oh what a way that we die
Plenty of tears were supplied
My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone
And I taste much better alone

Untitled.

They say monkeys are the less intelligent primate because they fling their poo...but have you ever tried it?

Misled I bled till the poison was gone

As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don't
I used to love him but now I don't

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than any oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don't
(Repeat to end)

And you can have this heart to break.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Illogical

I am adamantly convinced that dating, relationships, and all elements of romantic love are the most illogical concepts in existence. Human beings were invented to be crazy emotional basket cases. And that is fact.

When you hear the phrase one is "crazy about" another, usually we take that to mean he or she really really likes the other. But I feel like in most cases its literally more of an accurate description than not. Crazy.

We are all crazy illogical and irrational beings. To become dependent on another individual's presence for one's own emotional well-being seems like the worst idea possible. And yet we keep doing it. Again and again.

I liken it to heroine. The ups and downs of drug use equate metaphorically with matters of the heart. Euphoria followed by devastation and every degree of happy and sad therein. Like a roller coaster of emotions, to use a common cliche.

Would you say then that emotions are the opposite of logic?

And what are the implications of that from the standpoint of someone trying to shoot up the emotional love heroine while riding the roller coaster of doubts and fears?

Should she attempt to separate her emotions out and completely ignore every impulse she may have. Just coasting along down the steady stable path of logical thought processes.

We cannot prevent our emotions from manifesting. We can only control our actions.

The thing about roller coasters--emotional and otherwise-- Its usually not long before its time to get off and go wait in line for the next ride.

I'd certainly like something more than a top thrill dragster...intensely exciting but disappointingly short-lived.

Does marriage then equate to the circuitous train around the amusement park that never stops? Have I taken the metaphor too far...

Being couple-less on new years might just be the worst holiday to be a single. Even valentines day you can pretend to be hateful to red and pink and chocolate. Who likes flowers anyway? They just end up dead--like your terrible relationship.

Its really quite annoying when everyone you know is not single and you just want to have some fun on new years. Boo. Hiss.

I rather enjoy being single. And I don't understand why everyone else feels the need to couple off. Ew. Stop it, folks.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I can honestly say that the high from a good yoga session may in fact be the best feeling in the world. I've never tried heroine, so I'm not exactly sure. But I'm sure its up there with all the illicit drugs.

My arms feel like rubber. And that is why we should not take breaks from physical activity.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Winter is too cold. Summer too hot. What is a girl to do, but move far far away to a more temperate to mildly tropical climate. Or just pollute the world a bit more and catalyze that global warming crisis that is rumored to be going on. That might turn up the heat in the winter...as for summer, I guess I could invent the never melting ice jacket...or just stay unemployed so i can lay in the pool all day every day.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I started watching Glee. And it reminds me of everyone I knew in high school. Only they can sing better on the show.

Its awfully wonderful having internet access on your own computer again. I foresee a lot of great time-wasting activities will ensue. Such as what currently transpires.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I need to go buy tights....never thought that after I was 8 years old I would ever have to wear tights again...

~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Here is a picture to remind us of summer:

Jump, maverick, jump maverick jump...

Donna says relax.

The following is an excerpt from an ebay exchange:

Hi there. Thanks for you kind reply. I will send her back by US parcel
post tomorrow and it should take a week or so because of the holidays.
Trust your Thanksgiving will be a wonderful occasion as we remember and
thank the Lord for His bountiful blessings. Sounds like you are working
too hard. Take care of yourself and take time to smell the roses. God
bless you. Thanks again. Donna

Restoring my faith in the ebay community after a shitty day of customer service and broken camera. Why are the god-loving people always the nicest ones?

Football, Faith, Facebook. Fear, Follies and Freaking Out.

I dont know if you had heard, but me and football had a falling out. I have devoted myself to a much nobler cause: shoe shopping. Now thats something that deserves my most reverent respect.

To me, Ohio State football is like being jewish on christmas. Being inundated with spirited festivites, and I just do not believe in the fundamental tenets.

If I don't believe in football, why should I have to walk down the street being heckled with an O-H, be forced to take a detour getting back to my home on campus, and be a party to the grocery store cheers as tedd whatshisname throws a touchdown. I mean, I don't shove a menorah up your ass and make you say mazel tov. ....I'm also not jewish so i dont know if that metaphor works...or perhaps is borderline antisemitic...

So in conclusion....if I don't believe in santa, I'm not a small child, if I don't believe in god I'm simply a minority , and if I live in columbus and don't believe in ohio state football, I'm completely mental.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am convinced that social media becky is a much better version than the real thing. This is why parents should not allow their children to get a facebook account until they are 30. They turn out socially retarded and incapable of face to face interaction. ...I need a drink.

With the advent of the tv there were concerns that it would turn ones brain to mush. Now that people use facebook more than they talk face to face....do you think there will come a day when ALL communication is via text messaging? We live in an age of terse and impersonal amusing one liners that present only our best sides. .....at least, thats what oprah says.

One day we will be like the people on WallE who just talked solely through their technology. And as an awkward spastic socially anxious person, I don't know if I am totally opposed to that.

Back in the days when women were subservient to men, there were rules of courtship to which one was to strictly adhere. Pick up, buy things, kiss good night, get to know, wed, babies, old age, death. It was simple.

The rules of engagement have changed.

Are we equals now? Does 'come over and hang out' really mean, lets go hump like bunnies? Do people get to know eachother anymore? Should he still buy you things? Should you treat him to some adult beverages? Because he buys you things do you owe him a lap dance?

I watched the worst movie I have ever sat through ever in my entire life last night. It was called south pacific and because it was a musical I thought it would be tolerable to quite agreeable. But it was atrocious. Because he was french and old she liked him, because she was not polynesian he liked her. He killed a man, she was okay with it. He had had a 'colored' wife who mothered his two children, she ran away. Moral of the story: its okay to kill people if he was being 'a bully' andyou have a dreadful french accent, but if you marry someone who doesn't have skinny white legs and curly blonde hair, then we have a problem.

Prejudice is something that is taught. Fear is something that is ubiquitous. Do you think we will have gender roles in 100 years? 200? All this talk about equality and we have come a long way. But women still want to be taken care of, and white men still have the power.

Even in occupation, humans are not reagarded as equals. Doctors are regarded in high esteem, photographers or worse house keeping are regarded as the dregs of society. Respect is something that should be bestowed on all human life until they prove that they do not deserve it because they are hateful and petty....or maybe it is all human life. period.

I dont know the answers. I just see the problems.

~~~~~~

Remember in third grade when it was exciting because this was the first year you would be assigned homework! And then you get to school and the first day they give you nothing. And that whole week you wait because you are so excited to be growing up and getting things like real assignments. And what's all they give you that first week: cover your books. And you feel gipped. Because covering ones books teaches you nothing.

But really. Thats the most practical lesson you got all year. No one uses long division, they just grab a calculator. If you wanted to know the specific date the vikings landed in north america, you would just google it. When you reach adulthood, no one dots their i's and crosses their t's with the proper cursive/script techniques, you are just lucky if its legible.

But covering your books: that teaches responsibility.

We all forget the knowledge we obtained in our youth. And so do we forget the lessons in joy. Snow days: taking time off to appreciate mother nature. Friendships: I make time for you because I want to, not because i feel obligated, or worse because I need a favor. Politics: what are those? Love: I love my mommy, daddy, my siblings, and my golden retreiver and that is all i need.

Life is so complex and we ought to simplify.

Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify, simplify! ... Simplicity of life and elevation of purpose.

One must decide what is necessary to freak out about: usually it is nothing. Choices. Responsibilties. Whats important? Its not feeling this uptight and crazy over a stupid job.

~~~~~~~~~

Dating is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to want to see him. Spend time, get to know, etc. To me, its nervewracking and painful. To me its akin to climbing to the top of the highest building and being told to balance on a railing several thousand stories in the air. And you have to fight to hold your balance. He asks you out, you waver. He takes you to dinner, you stumble. At the end of the night he makes his move, hang on tight its a long way down. And then every word you speak or every decision you make is like a step and scoot on that railing you take to regain your balance. But not all words are coherent and not all decisions prudent. And so sometimes you stumble a little, or worse fall completely off. And then you die.

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Really, thats pretty much how I feel in most social interactions. I guess thats what I get for being born human. Flawed and freaking crazy.

My dog doesn't worry about saying the wrong thing at a party: he can't speak. My fish doesn't care if his scales dont match his eyes, hes alone in a bowl with only me to judge. My dead cat used to freak out a lot...but it was only when I came within arms length of her.

Animals fear when it is appropriate.

Humans have developed inappropriate fear. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of people of different race, background or culture. Fear of large spaces. Tight spaces. Spiders. Fear of social interaction.

There is chemical fear and there is logical fear. And my logical fear is that someone will pull a gun on me and I will feel no fear at all because my fear neurons are broken or maxed out from fearing stupid things.

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I wonder what they call the fear of people who fear spiders? Arachnaphobiaphobia?